This will probably be the best thing you’ll read today, maybe even the week. You’ll think back on this piece, and think of all the clever lines. The funny jokes. The things you wish you wrote yourself. You’ll quote them in your mind since you censor most of your great ideas and thoughts. Nobody really wants to offend anyone publicly, just privately. You like that last line too. You’re not quite sure why you liked it, but you just do. The same way you’re not sure why like sunny days or snowy days. You just do.
But I know why you like it. It’s different. Different like hot sauce over extra mild. It’s just enough ting that it burns your mouth a little, but it’s bearable. It’s what Puerto Rico is to America. Not too far away to be entirely foreign, but far away. It’s different enough. There’s still some comfortable flavor in it to make you feel ok with the depth of this pool, but it’s not too deep, or too foreign a flavor. So you like it.
Now, the question remains, what the hell are we talking about? Or does it even matter? Probably not. Like with most of my posts, you’re probably wasting your time here with useful information that you can apply in your daily life. And yes, you read “useful” in that last line. It is useful. And you are wasting your time. Because you should be on your couch trying to Keep Up With the Kardashians or following Basketball Wives. You liked the last line. If you continue on here, you might learn something and those cobwebs in that brain of yours could start to melt away. So what was my point?
You’re liking this, so far.
Sort of.
You’re liking this and you’re still reading because I’m telling you you’re liking this. Again, you’re not sure why you like it, but maybe if there’s something we can both agree on, it’s that you like being told what to do. Perhaps you’re a Whips and Chains sort of person in the bedroom. You like those shiny leather knee-high boots and the bass of the techno music when things are starting to get really hot and heavy.
The Safe Word is Chester Copperpot.
So moving forward, if you come along a few lines that maybe you don’t like, or maybe like too intensely, use the Safe Word.
Now that we’ve come to the agreement that you’re just following these words like a lost puppy, searching for meaning or for more treats, we can finally move forward with today’s lesson.
The Art of Selling Bullshit.
Lesson #1: I’m #1.
Lesson #2: You’re #2.
You’re #2 because you’re a piece of Shit. Literally. That’s what a #2 is, correct? Here’s where things get graphic. Shit can be molded. It can be shaped and reshaped like Playdo. Like your mind to a Bullshit Seller. Sure, it’s not the best smelling substance, and that has everything to do with the fact that it can be molded. If you can be molded very easily, then you probably smell worse. Every little reshaping segment opens up those crevasses allowing the stench of moldable shit to crop-dust around your home. Don’t be a crop duster. Or, don’t be a piece of shit. But let’s face it, if you can be molded and shaped into whatever anyone wants you to be, you’re shit. Moldable Shit. So in order to sell Bullshit, don’t be a #2.
The Safe Word is Chester Copperpot.
The Bullshit seller has their feet on the ground. Whatever it is they believe, they believe in it fully, even if it’s their own bullshit. The good Sellers have their feet so far into the roots and their ass so deep they can convince you the sky isn’t blue, and that they’re the best at whatever it is they’re claiming to spend their days doing. Perhaps the Top Fry Maker at McDonalds could be considered the Manager of Fry Cooking. And perhaps it comes with a snazzy name card or a golden hat that signifies “Status”. Everyone loves imaginary titles.
And everybody loves glorifying the tiny little insignificant things they do. It’s what makes the toilet cleaner feel like they have a special place in this world. Without my skills, this toilet would be dirty. I’m the best dishwasher in my entire house. Fact. I could probably win some dishwashing contests. Make some big money on some small chore. (Delusion). Buy a big house and some spinners for my truck. (More Delusion). I could add it to my resume as a skill. Master of the Dishwashing Arts.
The Safe Word is Chester Copperpot.
You’re liking where I’m going with this. You’re liking how you can apply it to your daily life. Everybody knows a Manager of Fry Cooking. Everybody knows a Master of the Dishwashing Arts. Perhaps it’s you. Perhaps it’s not. But that’s not the point. The point is we’re not in McDonalds. I’m not cooking you fries, and I’m not washing your dishes. You’re still here, reading. Like a Champ. I would again go into “Why” you’re still here reading, but we already covered that. So let’s continue.
The Key, is Delusion. The Key, is temporarily believing the bullshit you’re selling for whatever reason. The Dark Side Bullshit Sellers are selling for personal gain. Each sale adds an inch to the “areas” they’re lacking in life. I’ll leave that one to your imagination. People used to just buy guns or big loud trucks, now the Art of Bullshitting is the new challenge, the new territory to be claimed. Emotional Terrorism. The battle ensues.
You like this.
The Key, is just verbally telling someone what they think, or what they should believe.
You like this.
And,
You feel good about reading this, it’s the best thing you’ve read today, and will read all week.
Chester Copperpot.
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