The Vitamin

In the end, we always think about the beginning. For me, it begins at the end of the road.  It’s funny how that works out. We press Play, and get lost in the moment. Movies and songs just take us like roller coaster rides. Welcome to the Vitamin. Out for a ride then back to where we started. Cheap Entertainment. It’s only later that you’ll get nostalgic about the beginning. When you’re there it doesn’t seem like much. You’re always so eagerly hopeful. So inspired. So stupid.

There’s no denying that fact. Had I known what would happen between Start and Finish, I’m not sure I would’ve made the same decisions. Had you known what you’d read from Start to Finish of this piece, maybe you would’ve made another decision as well. You can still bail now before you waste more time. I’m sure you’ve got better things to do. The Kardashians are on in 5 minutes. 

I just wouldn’t have done so from such an ignorant standpoint. Or maybe I would have. Sometimes we like walking into the fire, knowing we’re going to be burned. Runners run, expecting pain. There’s no escaping it. So why would we live our lives any other way? There’s something appealing about running into a thunderstorm, knowing you’re about to get hailed on. 

I can’t say I didn’t expect it. I can’t say I didn’t see it coming. The same way you can feel a shit coming when your stomach is grumbling and vocalizing its’ disproval of those “Blazin” Buffalo Wings you ate last night. You knew what you were doing when you were licking the sauce off your fingers. No amount of Ranch and carrots can undo what you already did to yourself. You can brush your teeth and drink too much water, but go ahead and prepare for some heat flashes and ass chaffing. 

You always want to be hopeful though. Each morning you’re hopeful. This is going to be a good day (because Dog-gonit, Everybody Loves Me!). A bad day doesn’t stop you from waking up the next morning with this same amount of hope. We live like our pets.

But if you knew you were going to get in an accident on the way to work, spill that latte on your lap, shit your pants, get fired, puke in an alleyway behind Buffalo Wild Wings, and run over a squirrel in that shitty rental car on your way home, would you be so hopeful? Probably not. But that’s not that point.

Let’s not get there yet.

Because we like prolonging the inevitable. We like sitting in hospital beds on fluids with needles in our arms. Pissing and shitting ourselves for someone else to clean up. Life is precious. Life is short. 

Life is long...

We figure the longer we’re here the more impact we’ll make. We’re all so smart, the world is a better place when we have the opportunity to share our knowledge, our wisdom. Not true. Seinfield got it right when they did an episode with George leaving the room on a high note. Get em’ to laugh, and dart for the door. Nobody (rational) wants to overstay their welcome. Timing is of great importance. Learn to the leave the room when everyone wants you there. Because at the end of the day, everyone wants to save the most symmetrical cookie for last. We want to savor its’ perfections and devour them with great pleasure after the other, less perfect cookies have been destroyed.

The point is, who cares? You can’t predict the future anymore you can change the past. So matter what horrible incident awaits you around the corner, perhaps the Grim Reaper in his flowing black robes is waiting to decapitate your head in some gruesome motorcycle accident, you can’t help it. But you’ll make for a great news story tonight at 5, and you’ll inspire a CSI:Miami episode. If you’re going to choke on that thick and juicy slice of overly-seasoned steak, you’ll choke either way. Unless you’re Victor Mancini. Enjoy the ride, because that’s all there really is.

Which brings us back to the beginning. Please exit to your left, and gather any belongings you may have left. Thank You for riding the Vitamin, we’ll see you next time. Hopefully you’re not as hopeful, inspired, or as stupid as you were at the beginning of this. Out. (on a nigh note).