The Machete Carrier

Most people will fall for anything, because they stand for nothing. They blow freely with the wind and get carried away into mindless pursuits, because. Infomercials and pyramid schemes. Everyone likes to the chase the ant with the Oreo crumb, brown-nosers mooching off someone else’s kill. They follow around like lost puppies or toddlers begging for milk, marching to the beat of an unknown drummer.

The weak will always travel on the path most traveled. There’s a reason we played “Follow the Leader” as children, and there’s a reason we still play it as adults. Your machete is too big to carry. When did we get soo lazy? Maybe there’s a correlation behind our nibbling at the crumbs someone else drops for us and why America is very literally the most obese country in the world... 

“I’m a begging man, shaking for change”

No. The machete isn’t too big. It’s just more convenient to follow someone else who’s doing the machete-chopping. The challenge with this route is not that it’s an easier path, it’s that you’re not the one deciding the turns along the way (someone else is). Letting someone else carry your machete means they’re in charge of your direction. They could be leading you straight for a cliff for all you know... 

The shocking reality is how somehow, someway, someone cowering behind The Machete-Carrier has been elevated in our culture to the status of: “The Assistant To The Machete Carrier”. It doesn’t really come with any serious financial gains, but it does come with golden-plated business cards with words like “Machete Carrier” (forget the “Assistant To The” before that), and a daily pat on the ass, “Great Job today! Thanks for playing along! (insert wink here)” Because life is just a game, right?

I guess when I sit down for an extended period of time, consume incredible amounts of non-dairy creamer, devour a few dozen boxes of Twinkies, and really put an intense amount of effort into rationalizing irrational things, I get it. 

Following the owner and user of the machete means multiple gains for you (subtract the fact that you’re losing your own creative identity in the process; a small fee). Minus. For starters, if The Machete-Carrier is larger than you, BOOM: No need for an umbrella in the intense sun, you’ve got shelter behind that (hopefully) non-hairy back. Plus. We’ve already covered the whole “you don’t have to wack things” part, obviously, since the machete is too big for you to carry, so moving along, you’re path may be easier if your machete carrier is good. But then again, if they’re good, it means they’re really wacking away, and most likely smelling fairly badly. Minus. But maybe that shiny sweat glimmering off their (hopefully) non-hairy back provides you with some sun (opposing my previous “plus”), and BOOM: Who looks like they’ve been pushing their toes into the tropical sands of the Bahamas? YOU. Plus. Since you’ve gladly handed over your own personal machete (which comes signed by Randy Jackson at birth), you (being The Assistant To The) are subject to a variety of morally questionable sexual games that may leave a few marks. You’ll have to learn to love long-sleeves and find joy in the feeling of a leather booth along your soft skin. You’ll say you like it, but we’ll all know you’re afraid of what’ll happen to you if you say you don’t. There’s always Neosporin for that.

Come to think of it, this isn’t looking so good for the “PB” Assistant To The Machete Carrier.

Besides eating someone else’s leftovers, all in all this idea remains just as bad as it did before I sat down for what felt like hours but was really barely 20 minutes to write this pathetic attempt at proving “A Point”. The machete isn’t too heavy if you decide to stand and carry it yourself, and why would you want someone else carrying your machete anyway? But hey, if chasing ants with crumbs or buying Shape-Ups brings an ignorant smile to your face, then at least you’re smiling! Plus.